I sign the lease on Thursday and get the keys immediate after!

Movers come Saturday morning. Internet is scheduled to be set up Tuesday, the 26th.

Right now N and I are going to be moving my boxes to the living room so that the movers have an easier time getting everything. Even though movers cost money they save on sanity and with them it's a two hour job instead of an all day job. I have a lot of boxes but not that much furniture. Two dressers, a couple of tables, a desk and a cabinet. Oh, and some book shelves.

I'll probably take my clothes and breakables over on my own Thursday and Friday.

I might ask N if I can stay at the house on Christmas so that I have access to the internet, but maybe not. I know we need boundaries but I am really dreading this Christmas alone without any distractions. He won't be home for it.

The dogs will have quite the adjustment. I don't think I can come home during lunch to let them out. I am going to give them big walks in the morning to tucker them out and then big walk before bed to...also tucker them out. Sonny loves walks and Little Bit tolerates them. N said he would let them out during the day for as long as he can but he is hopefully getting the job he interviewed for so it might not be possible. I might ask my friend's daughter to stop by to let them out. I'd pay her, of course. Even if she could only do it 2 days a week that would be helpful. Once kid is out of high school and in college I will offer him the job, paid again, of course. He's free to turn it down, though.

I am excited for the new place! I can't wait to set up my library and start new routines. And to stop bleeding money.

I am still pretty broken up with the break up, and secretly hope that once we have some physical distance we might be able to repair our relationship. I know that is a pipe dream-N really hasn't given any indication that that is in the future. We're still very friendly and don't hate each other and want to continue a friendship. I will try for as long as it doesn't hurt my mental health.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and support offered on my last couple of posts. It really means a lot to me.

It looks like I may have a place to live. I put the deposit down and I am waiting to see if I am approved to rent it. They already ran my credit. I want desperately to move in on Friday.

They are fleecing me with all the fees, though. Base rent is $750 and they want $50/pet/month, for a total of $900 per month. That is actually a reasonable price for the house given the area, but I was able to negotiate it down to $825/month total. That is less than the house N and I rented when we first moved in together, and it's a better house in a better neighborhood. So I am happy with that.

The deposit was $570, the pet deposit will be $1,200 and then first month's rent will be due at signing. I don't know if they will make me pay prorated December rent and all of January, or just December. I have to ask.

I am scrambling to transfer money to cover all these expenses in time. It will require using half of my savings but that's what they are there for.

I am starting a list of things I will need for the new place, and deciding what I will look for at thrift stores, what I will mystery shop for and what I will just buy new.

Immediate needs
A bed-I found one on Amazon that I like and was recommended. The frame I chose is low to the ground to make it easier for the dogs to sleep with me. I have a $100 Amazon gift card to help offset the costs, but I don't want to order it until I can have it delivered to the new place. In the meantime, I have a blow up mattress that works perfectly fine, I just don't want it to sleep in the forever.
-Shower curtain, trashcans, curtains for the bedroom, paper towels and toilet paper. Most of this I can get at the dollar store or walmart. I am not picky. When the shower curtain starts to go I hope to be in a better place to afford something. The bedroom curtains are a necessity- all of the windows go down to the ground and it makes me uneasy.
-Cookware- I might start with things from goodwill and fill in by mystery shopping for better quality pieces.
-A couch and maybe some chairs- I don't mind used but I am picky. Maybe I shouldn't be but, I am. I don't want to spend a ton because if I move to California I don't want to bring it with me. But I want something that looks nice, is functional and isn't terribly uncomfortable.

So far that is what I have. I am sure this list will be added to once I move in.

They wanted me to sign an 18 month lease and I just can't commit to that. I signed a 6 month lease with the option of renewing for 12. I am probably going to stay in town for the next 18 months, but N is thinking about buying his own place with the money I buy him out with. If he leaves then I definitely want to move back into my house!

I am staying with my job until at least September, because that is when my retirement vests. Right now there is nothing else keeping me in town, so after September I might start job searching in California (where my family is) or North Carolina (where my best friend is.) I've wanted to move back to California for awhile now, so this might be the right time.

My finances need to be a ton better before I can move to California, though. But one step at a time.

I am going to see a house today that is in a slightly dodgy part of town. I drove by yesterday and I am not as excited about it. Patient Saver gave me great advice last night to knock on the neighbor's doors and ask them about the neighborhood. I don't even feel comfortable doing that. I am still going to look at it because I want to know all my options but it isn't my first choice.

I scheduled another walk through for tomorrow afternoon. This house is about 3 blocks from where I currently live, so I know the neighborhood and love it. And the dogs know it too! We walk by this house on our walks. The only downside is that there is a $400/pet refundable deposit, and an extra $50/pet per month in rent. I am going to ask if I can pay the extra on only 1 pet since $1200 PLUS the regular $570 deposit will cover any damage my pets cause (I expect them to cause zero damage, honestly.) Even with the ridiculous pet rent, the house is $900/month, which is $75 cheaper than the dodgy place.

It's also available to move in with 1 week's notice.

While I don't relish the thought of handing over $2670 in one go, it feels like it might be the right place for us.

N has an interview today! After 9 months of applying for jobs and hearing nothing, he heard back 2 or 3 days after applying. It's also at the university which is such a great place to work and so hard to get hired at! It feels like the universe is throwing both of us a bone.

N and I ended our relationship last night.

Nobody did anything bad or wrong. We are both unhappy. I know it is probably for the best (and even if it isn't I can't do anything about it) but I am heartbroken. I slept maybe 2.5 hours last night, and sobbed the rest. I tried reading until my eyes were about to shut on their own, but as soon as I closed my mind all I could think about was what I should have done differently and how I could have been so careless with the most important relationship in my life.

We decided that I would buy him out of the house but that he would rent it from me at least until kid finishes high school in May. We would have a lease and we would revisit the situation every x months until he moves on or something changes.

This big sticking point is the animals. N graciously will let me have them, but it will be so difficult to find a place to rent with two dogs and one cat (I will leave the other cat with N even though it breaks my heart.)

I found a house this morning that is on the border of the dodgy side of town, but said they would take me with all my animals. I am going to do a walk through tomorrow. They say it is available 1/1 but I am going to ask if I can move in next week. Our current living situation is not great for me because I can't stop crying.

The house is 2 bedrooms and 1 bath, so definitely more than enough room for me. It is $975/month plus utilities which is higher than I want to pay but beggars can't be choosers when it comes to making an exception to the general 2 animal rule. There is a garden in the back yard, so maybe I can grow some food in the spring. I will have to adjust my work hours so that I can come home on my lunch break to let the dogs out. I take a half hour right now, but an hour is more than enough time to get to this house and back. It is 1.5 miles away from my work and only one block north. There is a bus that runs frequently that takes me within blocks of the house and picks up across the street from my work.

I drove by the house today and it isn't very welcoming. But again, beggars can't be choosers. I just have to feel safe walking the dogs on my own.

Buying out N...I have no idea how this is going to work. I am going to my godmothers over New Years and I am going to ask her for a loan of $6,000. I currently owe $24,000 and my credit is eh, but if I pay down $6,000 then my credit will be 700 (or so Credit Karma estimates.) That will give me a better rate for the refinance. In a perfect world, our house will appraise high enough so that I can buy him out using the equity. Then I will pay everything off, hopefully by the end of 2018. If the equity isn't enough...I don't know.

Right now I am living in our Airbnb apartment. I love the space but hate that I feel like I am hiding and that the family I had two days ago is no longer mine. I had a cup of tea with N and kid last night and we watched the Youtube series we watch together and it was nice. But then I went back downstairs because this isn't my home anymore.

It will be easier when I move.

N and I are committed to both of us getting what we deserve and keeping it civil. He wants to stay friends and doesn't understand why I don't think we can. If we are going to remain friends I need some space to get myself together and distance from the relationship.

I know that my brain isn't making things easier. I know it's a coping mechanism, the racing thoughts telling me N is only nice to me right now because he has to be not because he is actually a good guy and still loves me but just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I have a session with my therapist on Wednesday so hopefully she can help me with these unproductive thoughts.

Right now I am trying not to spend any money (it's not working but I am trying-had to get the dogs up to date on their shots tonight) and trying to earn extra money to pay off the cards/beef up my savings. I am starting to think of what kinds of things I will need to buy to live on my own and seek out mystery shops for them. Might as well, right?