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Funeral and house news

November 1st, 2016 at 02:00 pm

We went to the funeral last week. I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but it was the best time I have ever had visiting that side of the family.

Granny was so happy to have us there. She and N stayed up until nearly 1am talking the night before the funeral. We got to hang out with N's sister without the kids for several hours on Wednesday. It was great to be able to be with her without her having "mom duty". We didn't get to see the kids that night (her husband was driving them down from 5 hours away and took them straight to the hotel.) SIL gave me oldest nieces cell phone number (she just turned 9! So young for a phone!) and she and I have been texting every few days. It's fun because she is really, really bad at texting-but that's how you learn! We really love those kids (and they us!) and we're trying to convince them to move to our town. I think we're going to try to get the older two to visit us this summer, individually. They both sounded excited about it.

I had never been to a funeral before so I didn't know what to expect. I find our death rituals really weird and uncomfortable. I don't understand viewings and it weirds me out to be in a room with a body. Well, at least I thought it would until I saw Uncle Charlie and burst into tears. I was the only one crying and that felt odd to me because I have only known him 3 years and everyone else...for much longer. I am an overly emotional person though, and goodbyes are very difficult for me.

MIL never showed up for the funeral. She said if Danny (Uncle Charlie's son) was still alive she would go for him but that she saw no reason to be there. Uh, how about the rest of your family is grieving? Honestly, a lot of the reason why the trip was so much better was because we didn't see her. N is very angry with her that she is putting him and SIL in shitty positions. She wants to visit us next weekend and that is not something I am looking forward to.

We're concerned about the caregiver Granny hired to help take care of Charlie. I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but I got a bad feeling from this woman. I think she (and her unemployable adult son) will start to look at Granny as a meal ticket. I feel awful saying this but there were some real red flags and clear instances of professional boundaries being crossed. N & Granny had a talk about it and Granny is a tough lady, but I still worry about her being taken advantage of.

In other news, N wants me to buy him out of his share of our house. I have been a mess of emotions about this. We're not breaking up, but he has something he wants to pursue and feels like this is the best way to do it.

On one hand, I feel it's completely irresponsible of him. But, he has a pretty solid plan and I know it will make him really happy. And he hasn't been happy recently. I will be less vague later.

But unfortunately, I don't have the money to buy him out right now. He actually didn't know that (we don't combine finances) and thought I did which is why he felt comfortable asking. We're in the process of seeing what all our (my) options are.

I will no problem qualify for the remaining mortgage on my own. The only question is interest rate. My credit is in the high end of the "good" range, so I am trying to get up to excellent by paying off the reno credit card ASAP (long before the 0% interest period ends.)

What I don't know is if I will be able to take out N's share of the house at the same time. And if I can't, then I need to figure out how to come up with the 12-13k to pay him. I have another 0% interest card for 18 months that I can write him a check from, but it would only cover 7k. I could try for a personal loan. He wants it changed over as quick as possible, so there isn't time to save up money AND pay down the credit card.

This is stressing me out a ton. Before he brought this up I felt like I was floundering but was pretty sure I would find my footing sometime. Now I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I am unhappy with my job, but am limited to what kind of positions I can apply for. There aren't really any locally, at least not for a significant pay cut and I can not afford that right now. If I look at jobs elsewhere, I would need to be paid enough to be able to afford a second (much, much smaller) residence. But now I don't think I will be able to do that, at least not until I have finished paying off his portion of the house.

We've been having nice long talks every evening, working out the particulars and unpacking the emotions. I know that this will end up better for me in the long term, because I will be getting all the airbnb money and will be able to make my savings goals a lot easier. But I have to get there first. I am not going to lie, I am feeling really let down about the whole situation, but I am trying my hardest to stay positive and keep an open mind.

I calculated my networth this morning. So far every month this year I have seen an increase (once only for $41, but I will take it!) Feels good to see the numbers going up!

10 Responses to “Funeral and house news”

  1. VS_ozgirl Says:

    I'd think carefully about it because you are unhappy with your job and I wouldn't want you to feel resentful because in a way you would be pigeon-holed into staying there until you have paid back his share of the house if you do it (or unless you find something high-paying elsewhere). Is there any other way that he can come up with the money to finance his venture? A loan in his own name? And if you buy out his share does that mean that there will be some sort of nuptial agreement that if you two do break up he will have no claim on the house?

  2. jokeabee Says:

    I think that there is another way to pay for it, but he is unwilling to do it and it will take much longer. He is a bit older than I am and is really starting to feel like he is running out of time to do what he wants with his life. I can appreciate that. I am worried I will be resentful of being "forced" to stay at my job, but I am trying not to think of it like that and I am still looking for alternative jobs outside of where we live.

    When I buy him out of the house he will be off the mortgage and off the title so I don't think he could legally have any claim on the house, but that will be a question I ask the experts to make sure. We haven't talked to any "experts" yet so it might be that this process won't be as financially burdensome as I am imagining it currently, but I have always been a plan for the worst type of person.

  3. VS_ozgirl Says:

    That's good that you are considering everything, better to be safe than sorry. There are upsides to this though; not only will he be able to finance his venture but you will get the entire house. Yes you get additional debt but you also gain something from it.

  4. LivingAlmostLarge Says:

    What are the numbers on the house? If you buy him out is he renting from you?

  5. jokeabee Says:

    It looks like it will be about 13k, but it depends on how long it takes to get everything switched over (because we're still paying the mortgage from the airbnb money which is split between us.) He won't be renting, but he will continue to do all the duties he already does-taking care of the yard, managing the airbnb, doing repairs as needed and regular every day "chores," which will count for rent.

  6. PatientSaver Says:

    " I am worried I will be resentful of being "forced" to stay at my job, but I am trying not to think of it like that..."

    I am worried that are thinking more about accommodating your soon to be ex than about your own situation.

    Would you consider a roommate to help pay the monthly bills?

    I don't think your comments about the funeral were insensitive at all. I feel the same as you about sitting around somberly with a dead body in the room. At my mother's funeral, it was more like a low key social gathering becus there were so many people there I had never met, so a lot of people were coming up to me to talk about their relationship with my mother, which was very comforting.

    Funerals are really for the living, and I never truly understood that until my mother's funeral and I remember how buoyed I felt then even while I felt sick to my stomach. But the funeral reminded me that I wasn't alone.

    On the red flags about the woman and son hired to look after granny, trust your gut. I would hate to see things go missing and that kind of thing. Be careful. When it comes to someone who's going to be living with Granny, I would NOT give them the benefit of the doubt. They must be completely trustworthy. I have heard so many horror stories. If you have doubts, can you or someone else pop in there unannounced and observe what's going on? Can you do a sweep of the home and remove any obviously valuable things like jewellery? I don't want to alarm you unnecessarily,but at the same time, if something bad happens, you can't undo it.

    Everything you've written here tells me you have the right instincts, so don't apologize for questioning granny's caregiver or feel bad about not exactly loving the position N has put you in.

  7. jokeabee Says:

    While it is possible this changing situation could lead N & I to break up, it's not the plan. So, as long as he and his kid are still living here, there's no room for a roommate. I have decided that if I find a job that excites me I am going to go for it. There are too many unknowns right now and I'll deal with the financial aspects as they come.

    As for granny: I don't think that any one is concerned about "things." I mean, it's not great but the kids aren't sentimental. The thing they're really worried about is Granny giving them money or giving them access to her money.

  8. PatientSaver Says:

    Sorry if I misinterpreted things about N and you.

    As for granny, I understand. The things might not matter but as you said, you don't want anyone taking advantage of her. I just don't think these home health care agencies and the like do a very stringent background check on their employees and you have to be careful.

  9. jokeabee Says:

    I don't even think she comes from an agency. I don't understand how she was hired, but I think she is a freelancer which makes me even more nervous. Thank you for confirming/validating my feelings (both about Granny and N.) I will tell N we should schedule another trip down there soon to suss the situation better and so that the caregiver knows that we're going to be more involved.

  10. PatientSaver Says:

    What about getting Granny to freeze her credit with all 3 credit reporting agencies? That would make it impossible for anyone to try to open up credit in her name.

    And try to get her to eliminate all credit cards, if she has any.

    If someone in the family already has power of attorney, you could go ahead and take care of these things without having to ask her.

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