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Starting over

December 12th, 2017 at 01:02 am

N and I ended our relationship last night.

Nobody did anything bad or wrong. We are both unhappy. I know it is probably for the best (and even if it isn't I can't do anything about it) but I am heartbroken. I slept maybe 2.5 hours last night, and sobbed the rest. I tried reading until my eyes were about to shut on their own, but as soon as I closed my mind all I could think about was what I should have done differently and how I could have been so careless with the most important relationship in my life.

We decided that I would buy him out of the house but that he would rent it from me at least until kid finishes high school in May. We would have a lease and we would revisit the situation every x months until he moves on or something changes.

This big sticking point is the animals. N graciously will let me have them, but it will be so difficult to find a place to rent with two dogs and one cat (I will leave the other cat with N even though it breaks my heart.)

I found a house this morning that is on the border of the dodgy side of town, but said they would take me with all my animals. I am going to do a walk through tomorrow. They say it is available 1/1 but I am going to ask if I can move in next week. Our current living situation is not great for me because I can't stop crying.

The house is 2 bedrooms and 1 bath, so definitely more than enough room for me. It is $975/month plus utilities which is higher than I want to pay but beggars can't be choosers when it comes to making an exception to the general 2 animal rule. There is a garden in the back yard, so maybe I can grow some food in the spring. I will have to adjust my work hours so that I can come home on my lunch break to let the dogs out. I take a half hour right now, but an hour is more than enough time to get to this house and back. It is 1.5 miles away from my work and only one block north. There is a bus that runs frequently that takes me within blocks of the house and picks up across the street from my work.

I drove by the house today and it isn't very welcoming. But again, beggars can't be choosers. I just have to feel safe walking the dogs on my own.

Buying out N...I have no idea how this is going to work. I am going to my godmothers over New Years and I am going to ask her for a loan of $6,000. I currently owe $24,000 and my credit is eh, but if I pay down $6,000 then my credit will be 700 (or so Credit Karma estimates.) That will give me a better rate for the refinance. In a perfect world, our house will appraise high enough so that I can buy him out using the equity. Then I will pay everything off, hopefully by the end of 2018. If the equity isn't enough...I don't know.

Right now I am living in our Airbnb apartment. I love the space but hate that I feel like I am hiding and that the family I had two days ago is no longer mine. I had a cup of tea with N and kid last night and we watched the Youtube series we watch together and it was nice. But then I went back downstairs because this isn't my home anymore.

It will be easier when I move.

N and I are committed to both of us getting what we deserve and keeping it civil. He wants to stay friends and doesn't understand why I don't think we can. If we are going to remain friends I need some space to get myself together and distance from the relationship.

I know that my brain isn't making things easier. I know it's a coping mechanism, the racing thoughts telling me N is only nice to me right now because he has to be not because he is actually a good guy and still loves me but just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I have a session with my therapist on Wednesday so hopefully she can help me with these unproductive thoughts.

Right now I am trying not to spend any money (it's not working but I am trying-had to get the dogs up to date on their shots tonight) and trying to earn extra money to pay off the cards/beef up my savings. I am starting to think of what kinds of things I will need to buy to live on my own and seek out mystery shops for them. Might as well, right?

11 Responses to “Starting over”

  1. My English Castle Says:

    Oh, I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you, but maybe this is a new beginning. I know it's hard to see it now. In times like this, I think you should concentrate on taking care of yourself. Be gentle on yourself.

  2. PatientSaver Says:

    I'm so sorry. Breakups are so hard, and even though it really sucks right now, even though you know it's the right thing to do, I hope you will feel better in a week or so.

    I'm a little confused, though, why you have to find another place to live with the animals if you're going to buy him out as far as where you are now?

    Can you actually even take the dogs for a walk in that new neighborhood, just to make sure you do feel comfortable? You might not really be able to pick up on certain things just doing a drive-by.

    Another really helpful thing to do is to just knock on the doors of 1 or 2 neighbors close to where this new place is. Introduce yourself and say you're thinking of buying/renting such and such place and wondered if they had a few minutes to talk. Then ask them your questions about general safety in the neighborhood and so on. Talk to more than one person in case one of them, for whatever reason, sugarcoats things for you. This is just like an Amazon product review, only it's in person!

  3. Laura S. Says:

    I am so sorry. It is hard but it slowly gets better. I meant to ask before what came of the scheduler application? If you are still looking for that kind of work, I may be able to help if you want to email me. My user name at gmail dot com.

  4. CB in the City Says:

    I am so sorry; I know how difficult this is. Like others, I would reconsider the living arrangement; it sounds to me like you are leaning over backwards, doing all the adjusting. The tone you set at this time is very important, because it will influence all future interactions. Is his comfort/safety really more important than yours? It is okay to take care of yourself.

    Also, depending on him for rent might not be the best arrangement for a couple who has split. Sad to say, exes can be surprisingly untrustworthy -- ask any divorced woman. Just saying. The logical solution, to my eye, is for the person making the commitment to buy out the property to be the one who lives in it.

  5. jokeabee Says:

    The only reason I am willing to let N rent the house from me after I buy him out is because of N's kid. He graduates high school in May and I think that he should have the option of staying put until at least then. It's not fair to uproot kid's life when he had no say in the choices N and I made together.

    For kid's part, he is weirded out by the arrangement. N assured him there would be a lease in place that would protect them and protect me, but kid doesn't think it is fair to me. This is a new, strange world we're living in and we're all trying to navigate it as best we can.

    N and I had a good discussion last night and most of my "could have/should haves" have been eased. I was able to get a good night's sleep last night and that has made a world of difference.

    I don't like depending on him for rent because I do know people can do shitty things. But I've seen how he handled things with his ex-wife and I am comfortable with this. It won't be a handshake agreement, though. We will definitely have a lease in place.

  6. CB in the City Says:

    Understood. Wishing the best for you.

  7. laura Says:


    I'm sorry! I hope that the pain of this lessens to a wonderful new beginning for you!
    As a parent, I thank you for letting The Kid finish out his high school year without much disruption. That is very kind of you. Take care and you'll be in my prayers for peace and comfort.

  8. livingalmostlarge Says:

    So sorry to hear. What do you have combined? Only one property? Or two? And you are moving into a short term lease?

  9. frugaltexan75 Says:

    I'm sorry to hear this. {{{hugs}}}

  10. ceejay74 Says:

    ((hugs)) I have not ended a relationship in many years but your post brings back the feelings of that with surprising freshness. Even when it was the right thing to do, so much sadness and wondering what I could have done differently. I suppose this is just to say that with space from those decisions, they were so obviously the right ones, but at the time it was so hard and painful.

  11. MonkeyMama Says:

    ((HUGS))

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